Nov 2014
Josie Bungert

Buy a pair of jeans and burn your leggings: let’s stomp out the basic

The basic betch phenomenon is sweeping the nation. If you don’t know what that is, then good for you, you are probably not basic and don’t know anyone who is. If you would, however, like to learn if you or someone you know IS basic, watch this informative video:

Unlike the woman in this video, it has come to my attention that I am not a basic betch, and I could not be more proud of myself. In learning from friends that I am the opposite of your basic gurl, I have taken it upon myself to attempt to educate all of you tried-and-true basic betches about why the betchiest things you own/wear/do need to come to a ferocious halt. These five betch characteristics are broken down from kinda betch to super betch level, and, even though they don’t begin to cover all of the characteristics of your basic betch, hopefully you can identify the other horrifyingly betchy things about yourself from this list and MAKE A CHANGE.

5.) Vests are not best

OMG the vest. Okay, vests are cute. But only when worn for their intended purpose, like when it’s Miss Congeniality-esque perfect date weather, which in the Midwest is BASICALLY NEVER. This means all I hear all day are betches whining about how cold they are. It’s called a real coat. Invest in one. If you are wearing a vest to cover up your dirty oversized sweatshirt, that makes the vest wearing even worse. Come on ladies, vests are not practical for most climates or venues. Vests do not dress up an outfit. Vests do not make your oversized sweatshirts look cute. Vests are not warm. Vests are not comfortable if are in any position besides standing. Bottom line: vests are not best.
*Exceptions to these general rules to follow*

4.) Oversized sweatshirts, oversized NO NO

With that, I must cover the oversized sweatshirt. I own an oversized sweatshirt. It’s my Michigan sweatshirt, and it is so old and shabby and faded that it is my never-leave-the-house garment. Hear that ladies? Don’t leave the house in it. If you do, you will most likely be asked at least one of the following:
– Is that your boyfriend’s? (if it is, gross. If you don’t have a boyfriend, they will ask if it’s your brother’s, which is also, gross)
– Are you sick/going through a breakup? (You may not be, but that is what oversized sweatshirts scream to the world. If you are, you get a pass. For today.)
– Are you going to that college on your sweatshirt/do you know someone that did? (Leads to an AWKWARD convo about how you just went to the thrift shop and you thought it was trendy but now you’re depressed because you’re not in college anymore/never have been/feel old/dried up)

3.) Leggings are for dance, not pants

I don’t know why this ever started, but ever since leggings have been a replacement for real pants, I started losing faith in humanity. Basic betches wear leggings because they are comfy, versatile, and announce to the world in full transparency “I’m so basic, I don’t even care!” Well, betches, leggings are not pants. I repeat. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. Leggings ARE for dance class, yoga, 80s jazzercising, wearing under a shirt/dress in which your bottom is covered by said shirt/dress, bad halloween costumes, and running. They are MADE to have every part of you exposed. Even if you can’t see through them, they emphasize everything, making them inappropriate for every situation in which you aren’t supposed to have everything seen.

2.) Messy bun? Messy NONE.

Guys. Do I even need to address this? It’s in the freaking title. A messy bun is MESSY. Please see the exceptions to the rules below so I don’t have to re-emphasize/sweat here.

1.) PSL (Pumpkin Sh*t Latte) 

Whoever thought buying a candle at Bath & Body Works, liquefying it completely, scraping off the remainder from the inside glass of the jar, and pouring it into a paper cup with an assortment of sugar, spice, and everything NASTY should be seriously punished. The PSL is gross, and don’t even try to tell me you drink it because you like it. Be honest with yourself, betches! Don’t ingest something just because it’s trendy. The PSL is to Starbucks’ as weed is to drug dealers, and they’re starting with all of you impressionable betches who drink it because “fall just isn’t fall without the PSL.” Okay, maybe that’s dramatic. But for real, you don’t actually like it. And if you do, more power to you, because 1.) no one is going to believe you, so actually liking the PSL could put a dent in your social scene and 2.) I give you major props for liking something not intended to be ingested by humans.

*The only ONLY time it is acceptable to wear leggings as pants, a messy bun, an oversized sweatshirt, etc., without the above restrictions is if you are alone in your home and you aren’t even going to open the door for anyone. Or Snapchat anyone. Or in any way leave proof somewhere that you wore an item made for YOGA as a garment that suffices as something to keep all of your junk in your trunk with your hair in a literal knot. How cool for you, betches who don’t want to go buy a whole new stay-in wardrobe!

Even if you disagree with all of this, I still have one question for you (that hopefully will make you change your ways ASAP): Why do you want to be basic? Urban Dictionary defines the basic betch as: 1.) one who has no personality; dull and irrelevant 2) just an extra regular female. I simply don’t see the appeal in putting an effort into being the same as every other young woman in your age group. With being basic being so popular right now, there’s never been a better time to be unique. So, buy a pair of jeans (not jeggings), a hairbrush (a REAL hairbrush), a jacket (with sleeves), and a nice sweater (literally anything that is not an oversized sweatshirt), and show the world who you really are: classy, sophisticated and so not basic you are unique.